Embracing Connection – The Power of Bids

Hello again, Friends!

It warms by heart to connect with you in this space, so much so, that it had me wondering about the profound role connection plays in our lives.

How often do we get bogged down by our daily grind, forgetting to connect - both with others and ourselves? How many of us are just trying to get through another day and miss out on the fullness and meaning that connection can bring to our lives?

I get it, amidst the never-ending to-do list, penciling in ‘connect with partner’ or ‘me time’ can feel daunting. But did you know that connection thrives in the small, seemingly inconsequential moments of life? When a loved one calls us to a window to see a pretty bird or tries to share a cute dog video, do we brush it off, thinking of all the other things we need to be doing? Or can we slow down and recognize these moments as bids for connection?

Any attempt to gain a loved one’s attention, affirmation, or affection is considered a bid. Who would’ve thought something as simple as asking if we like an outfit, if we want a cup of coffee, or a gentle shoulder squeeze could have such a big impact on our relationships? While catching every bid that comes our way (and in turn, for others to catch every bid of ours) may be unrealistic, it turns out that being mindful and responding more often than not, significantly predicts the health of our relationships.

When a bid is extended, there are three possible responses – turning away (ignoring or missing), turning toward (acknowledging and/or accepting), or turning against (responding with annoyance, defensiveness, or criticism). Consider the last time your partner/child/loved one tried to connect with you – how did you respond? And what about the last time you tried to connect with them? These seemingly insignificant moments, both in reaching out and responding, collectively shape the landscape of our relationships.

Here are some examples of how a bid can play out:
Turning away:
Person 1: “Oh wow, look at how beautiful the snow looks!”
Person 2: mindlessly or distracted “Uh-huh.”

Or

Person 1: “Oh wow, look at how beautiful the snow looks!”
Person 2: silence

Or

Person 1: “Oh wow, look at how beautiful the snow looks!”
Person 2: “Hey, did you end up grabbing any snacks?”

Turning against:
Person 1: “Do you wanna go check out that art show?”
Person 2: “Why do you always wanna go out? Can’t we just stay in for once?”

Or

Person 1: “Do you wanna go check out that art show?”
Person 2: “You know I have work to do!”

Or

Person 1: “Do you wanna go check out that art show?”
Person 2: “You’re the only one who likes art. Why don’t you go on your own.”

Turning toward:
Person 1: “Hey, will you come look at this?”
Person 2: “Yep, I’ll be right there.”

Or

Person 1: “Hey, will you come look at this?”
Person 2: “Absolutely! Can you give me five minutes to finish typing this email?”

Notice that turning toward a loved one doesn’t mean you have to drop everything immediately. You can acknowledge the bid and even accept it while still taking care of yourself. In the same vein, if you really don’t like art exhibits, you can respond in a way that acknowledges the bid while keeping your preferences in mind. Underneath that bid is a desire to connect, so something like “I’d love to spend some time together! I don’t think I’d enjoy the art show; let’s see what else is going on that day!”

The goal isn’t perfection but awareness. If you feel too many of your bids are being turned away or against, it’s okay to be direct and say “This is my attempt to connect with you.” This might be a new concept for the other person, and they may need some time and grace to practise.

Every bid presents an opportunity to deepen trust. By embracing bids, we communicate that we’re attuned to each other’s needs and feelings. Over time, this mutual responsiveness builds a sturdy foundation of trust and understanding. And remember, in our digital age, bids extend beyond face-to-face interactions. A text, comment, or meme can be a virtual bid for connection. So let’s pay attention to these gentle tugs of connection, work on responding with intention, and watch as the bonds with our loved ones grow stronger.

With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina