Embracing Receptiveness – Transforming Relationships by Letting Go of Defensiveness
Hello and welcome, Lovely Souls!
Last week, we explored how to manage conflict with grace and curiosity. Today, let’s talk about what happens when that conflict is with someone who just knows how to push our buttons – like a partner or family member. These deeply woven relationships can make defensiveness feel almost inescapable. Yet, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that defensiveness is a key predictor of relationship health. So, how do we shift from defensiveness to receptiveness?
The first step is to regulate our nervous system. Feeling defensive is an indication we’re not grounded. Some stress has occurred and our brain has entered survival mode, using defensiveness to shield us from perceived threats. In survival mode, we are not as receptive as we might like to believe; we’re listening to defend, to deflect, to self-protect. Why do we do this? Often, beneath our defensive armour are feelings of shame or guilt – uncomfortable emotions that clash with how we’d like to view ourselves…as generally ‘good’ people. Our subconscious employs defensiveness to deflect these feelings and maintain our self-image. Or as Brené Brown puts it, “Any perceived call-out of our weakness is experienced as an attack on our worth, so we fight hard to defend ourselves against it.”
Once we’re in a calmer state, it’s important to remember that our worth isn’t defined by our mistakes. Being part of a conflict, or even causing pain, doesn’t make us bad. This foundational understanding and self-esteem are vital in releasing defensiveness.
When both people are feeling more regulated, it’s time to step up as an emotional leader. Yes, it can feel frustrating, especially right after we’ve navigated our own emotional whirlwind. Ideally, emotional leadership is a shared responsibility, but we can use our strengths to foster healthier interactions. Using empathy and curiosity, engage in active listening – hearing the other person out without jumping to defend ourselves. Ask them about their experience and their feelings. Reflect back to them what we’ve heard to ensure clarity, starting with, “What I heard you say is…did I get that right?” Continue listening and mirroring until they feel fully heard. In these moments, it’s crucial to keep in mind it’s more about creating space for their emotional experience than debating the factual accuracy of their recount.
It can feel sooooo tempting to jump in to correct the ‘facts’ during their emotional sharing. I’ve been there…many times. Resist that urge. The thing is, this impulse to debate facts is another form of defensiveness and it undermines the emotional experience they’re trying to share with us. Doing this erodes connection. Consider what it feels like when someone does the same thing to us. This isn’t about who has the facts straight because regardless of those facts, someone we care about is feeling hurt, and so I urge us to focus on relating to their feelings, versus the validity of the facts.
After we’ve reflected their experience back to them, validating their feelings is next. Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean we agree with them, but it does mean we acknowledge their feelings. This can sound something like “I can see why you feel that way. It makes sense to me.” It might not align with our perspective, but their emotions are valid from their standpoint.
It's equally important to acknowledge our own emotional experiences in these situations. This process isn’t about sidelining our feelings or enduring manipulative behaviour like gaslighting. There must be a balance where both parties feel heard and respected. Initiating this change doesn’t mean our emotions are any less valid; it’s about creating an environment where both sides can express themselves openly and honestly. Mutual respect and understanding are key in transforming defensive interactions into constructive dialogues. Here, I’m inviting you to lead the change you want to see if your relationships.
Accepting responsibility for our role in co-creating conflict can feel like a tough pill to swallow, but it’s a powerful way to strengthen relationships. It’s not about fault-finding, but recognizing the impact of our actions, regardless of intent.
Modeling this approach requires patience. It takes time to break old patterns and establish trust in new ways of interacting. Remember, significant changes happen when we consistently choose to respond differently in the moment.
Join me in this journey of transformation one moment, and one step, at a time. You’ve got this!
With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina
Please remember, this post is not about enduring abuse. If you’re facing abuse, whether physical, mental or emotional, this isn’t the path to follow. Prioritize your well-being, seek help, and remember that your safety comes first.
