Embracing Repair: The Path to Resilience and Connection in Relationships
Welcome, Friends! Thank you for joining me today.
Have you ever had a disagreement with someone you care about and then felt awkward, unsure of how to mend the situation, so you just let it slide? Or perhaps, your attempts to discuss it further only led to more conflict? Disagreements and conflicts are a natural part of our relationships, so learning the art of repair is essential for their health and longevity.
Each disagreement offers a chance to learn more about ourselves and others, providing an opportunity to actually strengthen the bond. However, if we default to unhealthy patterns, repeated conflicts can lead to distance, resentment, contempt, and eventually, the breakdown of the relationship.
We all carry certain patterns into our relationships, and these dynamics offer us endless opportunities to identify and address them, if we choose to. After a conflict, you might notice yourself falling into some common responses:
Criticism: Focusing on what the other person did wrong.
Defensiveness: Justifying your actions when the other person expresses their feelings.
Stonewalling: Shutting down communication, refusing to engage.
Ignoring: Letting the issue go unresolved and returning to 'normal' behavior.
Pacifying: Agreeing to the other’s demands without considering your own needs, just to end the conflict.
These behaviors are common coping mechanisms we likely picked up from our caregivers as children, and they don’t make us bad. They're attempts to displace the discomfort and fear we feel during conflict to quickly re-establish a sense of safety, but they often exacerbate underlying issues and lead to further distance between us.
So, how can we shift towards healthier patterns of repair? Here’s a guide I strive to follow:
Nervous System Regulation: Conflicts can trigger a flood of stress hormones, preparing us for fight or flight. Research suggests it takes at least 20 minutes for our bodies to return to a calmer state once our heart rate stabilizes. It’s important to allow yourself this time. If you need longer, communicate that clearly and commit to reconvening when you're ready. For example, "I understand you're ready to discuss this, and it's important to me too, but I need a bit more time to calm down. Can we talk tomorrow morning?" Try to do this within 24 hours.
Sharing Your Experience: Take turns expressing your emotional experience using "I" statements, and avoiding blame or criticism. For example, "I felt overlooked when our agreed financial plan wasn’t followed. The story I told myself is that you don’t care about our future and that feels scary to me. It makes me worry about our future commitments."
Listen and Validate: Instead of defending your actions, actively listen. Try to understand the other person's perspective and validate their feelings, even if you don't agree. Mirroring back what you heard them say can be helpful. For instance, "What I heard you say is that when we don’t follow through on our financial plan, you worry that I don’t care about our future, and you feel overlooked and scared. Did I get that right?” Once they affirm, you can continue, “I hear what you’re saying and can understand why you would feel that way. I didn’t follow through on what we agreed on and I’m sorry that caused you to feel scared. Is there anything else you’d like me to understand?” Repeat steps 2 and 3, switching roles to ensure both people feel seen and heard.
Positive Requests: Instead of criticizing, ask for what you need positively. For example, "Can we discuss any changes to our plans before they happen? It helps me feel more involved."
Physical Reconnection: If both parties feel comfortable, ending the discussion with a physical connection like a hug can significantly reduce stress and reaffirm your bond.
Remember, the goal of repair is not to agree on every detail but to understand and validate each other’s emotional experience. This process helps both parties feel seen and heard, nurturing a team approach. By embracing repair, we transform conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper connections. It’s a journey that not only brings us closer to others but also fosters a profound inner strength. If you’re looking for extra support in implementing a healthier repair process, I’m here to help.
With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina
