Embracing Self-Compassion: Becoming Our Own Biggest Fan on the Path to Growth

Welcome back! I’m so grateful you’re here! As I step into this new territory, just like anyone venturing into the unknown, my inner critic has been making itself heard…a lot! And it got me thinking…

When a toddler is learning to walk, think about how we cheer them on, even when they fall. We don’t keep count how many times they stumble and compare it to another child. We never tell them they should just forget it and move on. We excitedly encourage every attempt they make! When a child is learning a new skill, we grant them the time and patience they need to practice each building block of that skill. We understand that progress takes time and starting from the beginning is essential.  

So why do we forget these things for ourselves? Why do we expect ourselves to just inherently know how to do certain things, or to master them instantly? Where does our patience go when it comes to ourselves? Where does our inner cheerleader disappear to?

I sometimes refer to myself as a “recovering perfectionist.” I was an overachieving child who felt good about myself when I did well. Why? Because I received praise from the adults in my world when I achieved…and so, I conflated this with love, which many of us do. And children require love, not just to thrive, but to survive. Without someone to take care of us when we are young, we literally won’t survive. And so being accepted by those people assures our survival. On the flip side, if I didn’t meet those standards, I would beat myself up about it because, subconsciously, I believed my survival depended on my achievements.

Looking back at how I used to talk to myself during those moments, I feel tremendous compassion for my past self. Words like ‘that was stupid,’ ‘what an idiot,’ ‘you’ll never be able to do that,’ and ‘you should’ve known better’ were all too common. I’d never utter such hurtful words to a friend, so why did I do it to myself?

The shame contained in these words is so potent that even speaking them to plants affects their growth. So why do we try to use shame as a motivator? It only stunts our own growth. Motivation from fear may lead to temporary change; but, for true lasting transformation, self-compassion and love are far more powerful. For instance, my motivation to eat well is much more sustainable when it comes from a desire to nourish and balance my body, rather than from trying to avoid feeling bad about my appearance. This is a vast topic that we’ll explore together in the future, but for now, let’s focus on self-compassion.

Can we celebrate each other for our internal qualities – such as effort, growth, and the courage to be true to ourselves – rather than solely valuing external achievements like good grades or promotions? Let’s learn to do this for ourselves too. When we stumble and fall, as we inevitably will, can we show ourselves the same compassion we’d offer a child?

And can we become more aware of how we speak to and about ourselves, striving to do so in a kinder and more understanding way? Let’s grant ourselves permission to feel awkward as we venture into new experiences. Let’s allow ourselves to fall and make multiple attempts, without the expectation of perfection or being fixated solely on the outcome. And let’s be our own biggest fans and cheer ourselves on every step of the way!

With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina