Embracing Self-Validation: Discovering the True Worth of Our Own Opinion
Greetings, Friends!
I’ve been thinking about why so many of us find ourselves entangled in what other people think of us…to the point that we often value their opinion of us more than our own. Let’s explore…
When we are young, we instinctively seek approval and affection from those who care for us most – our primary caregivers. We look up to them for guidance and, often unknowingly, shape our sense of self based on their opinions. After all, their love and acceptance are vital for our survival.
Valuing other’s perceptions is only natural – yet, if our guardians never demonstrated that our own viewpoint matters just as much, we can unknowingly set off on a path of outsourcing our self-worth. It’s a pattern most of our parents grew up repeating themselves.
Think about it, how often do we tell children what we think of them, without slowing down to ask them what they think or how they feel about themselves? Let’s say for example, if a child triumphs at a music recital, and we shower them with praise and approval. While positive affirmations are certainly valuable, what if alongside our congratulations, we start with, “How did that make you feel?” Or perhaps, “I hope you feel proud of all the effort you put into your recital.” This subtle shift encourages them to value their own emotions and perspectives fostering self-esteem, as well as emphasizing the process and not just the outcome.
As adults, our lack of self-validation can show up in many different ways, including people pleasing. When we prioritize others’ opinions over our own, we risk bending ourselves out of shape, overextending our limits, and losing pieces of ourselves for the sake of acceptance. I’ve been down that road - doing things I knew would be praised or appreciated, even if they contradicted my own values. The comfort and security of external acceptance overshadowed the importance of feeling accepted by myself.
The effects of not being able to self-validate are not confined to people-pleasing alone. In conflict, if we feel hurt or misunderstood, our desire for understanding and acknowledgment can cloud our hearing. Instead of staying open and curious about the other person’s experience and feelings, we feel compelled to over-defend our position. At this point, we are operating in survival mode, and often end up creating more distance and eroding the connection we crave.
However, nurturing self-validation can lead us to a different path. When we are grounded in self-assurance, we’re better equipped to listen and be heard. Holding space for our own feelings doesn’t diminish the need for apologies or accountability from others. Instead, it empowers us to offer ourselves the solace and understanding we often seek externally. This ability to self-validate allows us to engage in empathetic dialogue and, remarkably, it provides us with a source of internal closure that liberates us from the cycle of endlessly seeking it from others.
Putting this tool into action is a powerful step forward. For instance, during an intense conversation, I may request a brief pause to regulate my nervous system (more on this later). This pause provides room to identify my emotions and respond with self-compassion. I may literally say to myself “Oof, it makes sense that you feel that way.” Acknowledging my feelings loosens the grip of needing immediate validation from the other person, creating space for both of our concerns to be heard and addressed.
Undoing years of conditioning, where others’ opinions reigned supreme, requires effort and time. Yet the journey toward realizing the worth of our own opinion is transformative. By embracing self-validation, we lighten the load we place on others’ judgments, liberating ourselves to create a life we love!
With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina
