Embracing Systems: Understanding Our Interconnectedness
Hello Friends,
Have you ever noticed how you or someone else might behave differently around family compared to friends or colleagues? It’s common to feel like we’ve made significant personal progress, only to find ourselves getting sucked back into old dynamics and patterns when we’re with family or in familiar environments.
This doesn’t negate our growth. While each of us is an independent individual, we are also part of larger systems. These systems – from our families to cultural norms – shape our responses in familiar environments, often without our conscious awareness. From childhood, we adapt to roles that make us feel safest within those systems. Within our family system for example, some of us might have learned to receive recognition through achievement, while others learned to suppress their emotions because they weren’t welcomed.
Understanding these systems is invaluable, not just for our own self-awareness but also for navigating our relationships. Our culture emphasizes self-sufficiency, but complete independence is unrealistic. We are interdependent beings—our well-being is intertwined with those around us. Our individual actions are influenced by, yet distinct from, the larger systems we are part of. Whether it's our families, cultural backgrounds, or the social environments we engage in, these systems impact us, and recognizing our role within these systems can illuminate why certain patterns persist and how we can begin to change them.
Consider a partner who grew up in a family where emotions were viewed as an inconvenience. It's likely they might see our emotions through the same lens. Understanding this context can prevent misinterpretations of their behaviour as uncaring or dismissive. Instead of reacting defensively, knowing their background enables us to respond with more compassion and explain how their actions affect us, paving the way for a more understanding interaction.
Here's a (simplified) example:
Partner A: "I've been feeling really overwhelmed with work lately and it's been tough to manage everything."
Partner B: (scrolling on their phone) "Yeah, sounds rough."
Partner A: "It seems like you’re not really interested in what I’m saying. When you ignore my feelings, I feel unimportant to you."
Partner B: "I'm sorry, it’s just hard for me to deal with emotional stuff. It was always dismissed in my family."
Partner A: "I understand it’s tough, and at the same time it’s important for me to feel heard. Maybe we can find a way to communicate that works for both of us? Could we try setting aside some time to talk when we’re both free to focus?”
Partner B: “That sounds like a good idea. I want to be there for you; let’s try that.”
By acknowledging the systems we were raised in and how they influence our behaviours, we can cultivate self-compassion for our ingrained patterns, which is crucial for sustained personal growth. Sharing this understanding with loved ones gives us all the opportunity to take extra care in areas that feel more delicate and vulnerable for one another.
Curious about what dynamics may have impacted the family system you grew up in? Here are a few:
Parenting Style: Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, or uninvolved styles deeply impact emotional and psychological development, and how we interact in our future relationships.
Number of People in the Home: Crowded homes can lead to different stressors and interactions compared to smaller family units.
Personalities of Family Members: Each person’s temperament and behavior patterns can influence family interactions.
Job Requirements of Caregivers: Long hours, travel, or stressful job conditions can affect the amount of time and emotional availability of caregivers.
Divorce, Affairs, Grief, and Other Emotional Turbulence: Major emotional events can drastically reshape family dynamics and emotional responses.
Attachment Styles: Secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles developed early in life affect relationships both within and outside the family.
Caregiver with Addiction: Addiction issues can create an environment of unpredictability and emotional neglect.
Abusive Behavior: Emotional, physical, or psychological abuse fundamentally impacts the health and functioning of the family system.
Cultural and Religious Beliefs: Cultural and religious backgrounds influence values, behaviors, and expectations within the family.
Beliefs about Gender Roles and Responsibilities: Traditional or modern views on gender can dictate the roles and responsibilities assigned to family members.
Economic Status: Financial pressures and socioeconomic status can significantly affect family stress levels and availability of parents.
Health Issues: Chronic illnesses, mental health issues, or disabilities in the family can shape roles and dynamics within the home.
Extended Family: The involvement of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other extended family members can also impact family dynamics.
Embracing our interconnectedness can enhance empathy and strengthen relationships. If you’re navigating these complexities and feel you need support, remember, I’m here to help. Exploring these connections can strengthen not only our personal growth but also our collective resilience.
With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina
