Embracing Tolerance: Navigating the Power Struggle Phase in Relationships

Hello and warm welcomes as we dive into the realm of relationships today!

Have you ever found yourself gazing at your partner and wondering, “Why can’t they just (fill in the blank)?” Whether you’re exploring a new connection or savouring the comfort of a seasoned partnership, there comes a point when those once-charming quirks can start to feel, well, not-so-charming.

Is it normal to feel this way? Absolutely!

Let’s get real for a minute. We’ve all seen those movie-perfect romances that blossom effortlessly, ending just as they enter the honeymoon phase. But what happens when the curtains close, and the real-life sequel begins? For anyone who believes that couples go on existing in this state, it can create a sense of shame around having provoking feelings of frustration and uncertainty. Many people end relationships at this point, thinking this is a sign of incompatibility, or suffer in silence, thinking they’re alone in their feelings. So let’s dive into what most movies leave untold and what we haven’t learned to embrace – the transition from the honeymoon phase to what some call the power struggle phase.

In this phase, we begin to see our partner’s imperfections with more clarity. Suddenly we’re wishing we could tweak this or change that. We might catch ourselves tallying their ‘flaws’ or wishing we could hit the reset button, even pushing them away for not being what we thought they once were. But here’s the truth: no one, absolutely no one, fits perfectly into every checkbox on our ideal partner list. This isn’t about compromising values; it’s about understanding what truly matters and embracing the rest, building a relationship grounded in tolerance and growth. It’s not about finding the ‘right’ partner, it’s about learning about ourselves to learn what is essential, and then tolerating the rest so that we can build the right relationship.

Let me ask you, has anyone – friend, family, child, fur baby – NEVER grated on your nerves? Honestly, there are moments I even annoy myself! So why should our partners be an exception?

So if this is normal, what do we do?

We embrace tolerance. Now, I’m not saying sweep your feelings under the rug. Instead, it’s about tapping into curiosity. Why does that particular quirk irk you? What story have you spun around it? We put a story on top of everything that happens – we decide based on our own experiences and perspectives if something is good, bad, annoying, helpful, overbearing…the list goes on. Our reactions often stem from our own narratives and experiences, not the actions of others. The tale we’ve created often tells us more about our own journey than theirs. And that is where the true exploration begins.

The magical key to relationship harmony lies in our acceptance of differences - the degree to which we can accept our differences is the degree to how happy we’ll be.

How do we build the capacity for accepting these differences? One thing I have found is the more I work on embracing and accepting the parts of me I’ve hidden away, the more I’m able to accept another person’s differences. As we peel back our own layers and work to accept all parts of ourselves, we naturally expand our capacity to embrace our partner for all of who they are. And yes, there will be moments of frustration – perfectly normal ones, I might add. And this is where we remember: keep that nervous system in check and stay curious!

When irritation is knocking at the door, invite curiosity in. This simple act opens the door to understanding and compassion, of both yourself and your partner. The more we stay curious about their story and their life, the more we can uncover the roots of their reactions, instead of attacking them for it. The same is true for ourselves. We don’t need to keep these things to ourselves. We can share them with our partner, remembering that there is a difference between communicating what behaviour we are struggling with and the story that we’ve created around it, versus criticizing our partner for it. As we work our way through these things, we’ll find ourselves working our way through the tension that is the power struggle phase. In this journey of love, the power struggle phase isn’t a sign of impending doom. It’s an opportunity, a stepping stone toward deeper connection and growth.

With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina

To be clear, this post isn’t about enduring unhealthy relationships or sweeping red flags under the rug. If you’re facing abuse, whether physical, mental or emotional, this isn’t the path to tread. Seek help, prioritize your well-being, and remember that your safety comes first.