Embracing Boundaries: How Expressing Our Limits Cultivates Self-Trust and Deeper Connections

Welcome back – I’m so grateful to have you here!

In my ongoing journey of personal growth, one of the most challenging concepts for me to embody was the delicate balance of boundaries. Coming from a place of perfectionism and people-pleasing as a way to feel love and acceptance, often left me feeling resentful, frustrated, and just plain exhausted. And yet, the idea of not only pinpointing what I needed, but also voicing them was ripe with opportunity to feel rejected, the very thing I was trying to avoid. Does any of this sound familiar?

Here's the thing, by not understanding and sharing my boundaries, that simmering resentment and perpetual exhaustion created more distance in my relationships, leaving me feeling increasingly alone.

As I learned more about myself, I was able to pause and honestly assess what I truly had the capacity to show up for, as opposed to habitually saying yes to please others. I found it somewhat easier to practise boundaries in professional settings, but when I started to use them in personal relationships, especially romantic ones, wow…the nerves, the apprehension, the second-guessing…there was so much discomfort. The first challenge was voicing those boundaries, and the second, perhaps even more formidable one, was sticking to them – it meant enduring another round of that all-too-familiar discomfort. Even now, that discomfort occasionally surfaces as I navigate my romantic relationship…but with ongoing practice and an ever-expanding toolkit, I’ve learned to breathe, ground myself, and keep my nervous system in check. I’m able to frame my boundaries as constructive requests rather than critiques of the other person (more on this later). Most importantly, I’ve developed the resilience to lean into the discomfort, understanding that advocating for my values takes precedence over fleeting comfort.

The result? I’ve not only bolstered my self-trust but have also earned the trust of others. When they see me consistently follow-through, they recognize the reliability of my word. Keeping in mind that perfection is never the goal, I have shown myself and others that I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. It also means that my decisions are aligned with my values and free of any resentful undertone. What a liberating feeling for everyone involved!

I’ve also found that communicating my needs thoughtfully opens the door for increased intimacy with those I care about. It nurtures a safe space for them to share their own needs as well. By expressing my feelings without placing blame, and framing my requests as a positive ask versus a negative criticism, the other person is more likely to listen without becoming defensive. For instance, if I notice my partner getting distracted by their phone during dinner or in the midst of our conversation (which could easily lead me to assume that I’m not a priority or they don’t want to be there), I might say, “I notice that you’ve been on your phone while we’re out for dinner. The story that I tell myself when that happens is that I’m not a priority. I would appreciate if we both made an effort to put our phones away during dinner.”  I’ll delve into this concept in more depth in a subsequent post.

Remember, boundaries aren’t meant to be walls; they’re meant to be bridges. As we learn to communicate boundaries for the first time, we may occasionally swing to the extreme, asking for every need to be met and inadvertently shutting people out. It’s crucial to distinguish between upholding boundaries and pushing others away when our boundaries aren’t respected. Learning to set boundaries with intention is the key.

I can still vividly recall how scared I felt when I began my journey with boundaries. And in all honesty, it did mean the end of some relationships, which was painful in the moment. But I’ll tell you what would’ve been more painful, allowing relationships to persist where I remained unseen, unheard, and disrespected. By committing myself to this journey, I honour myself. By allowing those who only want to be part of my life on their terms to leave, I create space for the people who will genuinely love and embrace me for who I am. And you deserve the same.

With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina