Embracing Emotional Freedom – Allowing Space for Others’ Feelings Without Trying to Fix Them

Welcome Back, Friends!

Have you ever done something that unintentionally disappointed someone, and then found yourself asking them not to be upset with you? Maybe their birthday slipped your mind, you had to cancel plans, or you said something you didn’t realize would be hurtful?

It's tempting to justify why it happened with phrases like “I didn’t mean to,” or “There was just so much going on.” While these things may be true, starting with justification doesn’t minimize the impact on the other person. In reality, it’s an attempt to minimize the guilt we’re feeling.

Shame can also lead to self-deprecating remarks like 'I’m the worst,' or a plea for reassurance with 'Please don’t be disappointed.” Although we mean well, and may even be trying to take ownership, we’re still making it about us. We’re skipping over their emotional experience and now the other person has to put aside their feelings to comfort us.

It’s understandable that we want reassurance we’re not bad people, but we can’t control someone else’s emotions—and it’s not our responsibility to try. While being mindful of our actions is important, there will be times when we unintentionally hurt or disappoint others. Instead of making it about us, can we allow them the emotional freedom to feel their feelings?

Many of us grew up in environments where caregivers struggled to navigate our feelings of disappointment, sadness, or frustration. We may have heard, “Don’t cry,” or “Don’t be upset.” The thing is, being shamed for feeling emotions didn’t stop us from experiencing them, it just taught us they weren’t welcomed. So, we learned to suppress them, to shut down and lock them away, storing those emotions deep inside. We haven’t learned to make space for them, for ourselves or others, because it hasn’t been safe to. Let’s work together to change that.

Emotions aren’t good or bad—they’re simply messengers telling us what matters. The goal isn’t to let them run the show, to sit in them indefinitely, or get stuck in the story about what they mean, but when we don’t allow space for them, they take control in the ways we try to avoid them: through numbing, shutting down, and stifling our voice. This can not only impact our mental well-being; it also impacts our physical health and our relationships. As Carl Jung wisely said, “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” However, it’s important to remember that while we can hold space for challenging emotions like anger, feeling those emotions doesn’t justify harmful actions. We can make room for emotions without accepting harmful behaviour, ensuring that emotional expression doesn’t cause more harm.

I get it. The guilt of disappointing someone feels awful. But can we separate guilt from shame? Guilt is about recognizing we’ve done something that goes against our values; shame is the belief that we are bad. As Brené Brown says, “Guilt is adaptive and helpful—it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.” Guilt helps us take responsibility. Shame, on the other hand, keeps us stuck, focused on relieving our own discomfort, often with deflection, defensiveness or self-deprecation, which blocks us from true connection.

What if, instead, we said, “I imagine you’re feeling hurt or frustrated. That makes sense. I’m sorry I didn’t show up for you. I’d feel hurt, too.” By validating their feelings first, we create space for their emotional experience. Only after that do we move into repair: “I care about you, and I don’t want you to feel undervalued. When you’re ready, I’d love to talk about how to make this right.”

Here are a few ways to hold space for someone’s emotions:

1. Separate guilt from shame (for yourself).
   What to do: Internally, remind yourself that making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person. Instead of thinking, “I’m awful,” try: “I made a mistake, but I’m committed to learning and doing better.” This helps you manage your emotions and hold space for the other person without letting your shame take over.

2. Validate their feelings.
   What to do: Start by acknowledging their emotions: “I imagine that hurt you, and that makes sense.”
   What not to do: Avoid saying things like, “Don’t be upset,” or “It’s not a big deal,” which can dismiss their feelings and leave them feeling invalidated.

3. Avoid making it about you.
   What to do: Focus on their emotional experience, not your guilt. For example: “I’m sorry I didn’t show up the way you needed.”
   What not to do: Saying, “I didn’t mean to,” “I’m the worst,” or “Please don’t be upset with me” shifts the focus to your feelings and leaves them having to comfort you instead of addressing their own emotions.

4. Avoid excuses (but offer explanation when appropriate).
   What to do: First, validate their feelings and take responsibility: “I understand why you’re upset, and I take responsibility for my actions.”
   What not to do: Don’t start with, “I had so much going on,” or “My boss kept me late.” This can sound like an excuse and minimize their experience.
   Optional: After validation and repair, you can offer an explanation if it feels helpful or if they ask: “I’d like to share what happened on my end if that’s something you’d like to hear.” This is not about passing blame.

5. Move into repair when appropriate.
   What to do: Once their feelings have been validated, offer to make things right. For example: “I care about you, and I want to find a way to do better moving forward.”
   What not to do: Don’t rush into repair too quickly. Saying, “Let’s move past this” or “How can we fix this?” before they’ve had a chance to express their emotions can feel like you’re skipping over their experience.
   
   And if we’re on the other side of the dynamic and someone has made it about themselves, how can we honour our emotions while showing compassion for the shame they’re carrying? You could say, “You’re not the worst. I am feeling hurt and need space to process that. I know your intentions weren’t to hurt me, and I don’t love you any less. There’s room for both of our experiences.” This allows you to express your feelings while extending grace—a beautiful way to lead by example.
   
   Allowing someone the freedom to feel their emotions creates emotional safety. It gives them the opportunity to experience the emotions completely so they can release them, rather than continuing to carry them in their body. At the same time, it creates the opportunity for us to feel loved, even in our imperfections. All of this emotional safety is like having Noah from Netflix’s Nobody Wants This tell us, “I can handle you.” By making space for others’ feelings, we’re communicating that it’s safe for them to feel—and for us to witness.
   
   With heartfelt gratitude,
   Christina