Embracing What We Don’t Know – The Importance of Challenging Our Assumptions
Hello, Friends!
I’d like to start today with a little anecdote. My mum loves to tell a story about my older brother and me as children. There was a period when my brother, probably four or five years old, would swat me at the dinner table and, of course, get in trouble for hitting. Mum couldn’t understand why he kept doing it, so one day, out of curiosity, she watched more closely. It turns out that this future personal growth coach was going through an instigator phase—I had been pinching my brother under the table, but she hadn’t been seeing that part! All of this to say, we don’t always see the full story.
Our brains, with their impressive ability to process information quickly, tend to make judgments before we’ve gathered all the relevant details. We often see just a small part of a situation and subconsciously fill in the blanks, believing we now know the whole story. But the truth is, we rarely know the full picture. There’s almost always more beneath the surface than we realize. As Socrates is commonly credited with saying, "All I know is that I know nothing."
This doesn’t make us bad—it’s simply how our brains are wired. In fact, research shows that our hippocampus is a story-telling machine! It plays a major role in “connecting separate, distant events into a single narrative.” We tend to remember things better this way. Consider, for example, that every culture has used story-telling, not just for entertainment, but to pass down knowledge and traditions. Yet, not all of these tales are based in truth. No wonder our brains so readily jump to fill in the blanks – it helps us make sense of the world, and we’re physiologically primed to do it.
But what happens when we make decisions based on these incomplete stories? What assumptions are we assigning to people’s actions? What character traits have we assumed about them based on what we’ve observed?
When we’re unaware of the assumptions we’re making, we’re actually interacting with and reacting to those assumptions, rather than the person or situation at hand. We’re interacting and reacting to our own beliefs and distorted filters. And the longer we’ve known someone, the easier it is to believe we’re an expert in their motivations, and the more challenging it is to untangle those assumptions. But are we really seeing the whole picture? It’s easy to assume we know why a loved one is acting impatient or frustrated. We might attribute it to a familiar pattern, but is there a chance we don’t know the whole story…that there’s some nuance we’re missing? Wouldn’t we want our loved ones to ask us for clarity, rather than assuming they know what’s going on?
So, how can we begin to notice when we’re stuck in a story or an assumption? The first step is to slow down. Don’t blindly follow the feelings and thoughts that arise. Take a deep breath and gently remind yourself that you might be mistaken. Then, tap into curiosity and ask clarifying questions. Sometimes, this means asking yourself some hard questions; other times, it means seeking clarification from someone else. Here are a few questions that help me:
When asking myself:
Is it possible there’s an alternative to what I’m thinking?
Do I have actual proof that this is true?
What else could be true here?
Is this belief mine, or did I inherit it from somewhere?
Am I holding onto an old belief that no longer serves me?
When asking others:
What I’m hearing is ___. Did I get that right?
Can you clarify what you mean by that?
Can you explain it in another way?
Why do you think that is?
I want to make sure I understand—can you give me an example of what you mean?
It’s often easier to stick with the story we’ve woven together, especially if it feels comfortable or familiar. It’s certainly quicker. But if we want to grow, connect, and learn, we need to accept that our assumptions aren’t always right. As Miguel Ruiz wisely says, “We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions”. Let’s be brave enough to step into curiosity. With that curiosity often comes clarity, connection, and ultimately, compassion for ourselves and others.
With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina
