Embracing Our Past – How Understanding Our Patterns Can Transform Our Future
Hi, Friends - thank you for joining me here today!
How much do you remember from your past? While some of us have vivid memories and others have vague ones, both often serve as coping mechanisms. For instance, a detailed recollection of events can help us avoid unwanted outcomes in the future – similar to primitive humans remembering which berries were poisonous. Being able to recall positive memories can also offer moments of joy in times of stress. On the other hand, dissociating from painful experiences can be a subconscious attempt to block them and feel safer.
Regardless of how well we remember, the impact of these experiences is stored in our bodies. We often wonder why we struggle to change patterns when we know they no longer serve us, or why certain triggers elicit strong reactions; the answers often lie in our past. It’s easy to shame ourselves when we notice these cycles, but shame is not the road to sustainable change. By getting curious about what these behaviours are trying to protect us from, perhaps we can see them through the lens of self-compassion. It is only once we understand something that we can go about changing it. Take, for instance, a pattern I observed in my own relationships: I often offered unsolicited advice, believing it was helpful. However, this behaviour frequently alienated others, who were usually seeking empathy rather than guidance. Recognizing my pattern was important, but understanding it was essential for changing it.
My ego initially defended the behaviour. When I chose to get curious about this pattern, I realized that it wasn’t just a habit of being overly helpful but rather an attempt to control my relationships, to avoid feelings of rejection and increase my sense of security. This realization didn’t come quickly – it required a willingness to delve into my past and confront uncomfortable truths about my need for control in relationships.
I used to think, “If only my partner would listen to me and do things the way I suggest, it would be easier.” But what I didn’t want to admit is that I meant it would be easier for me. I would feel more in control and thus, safer. By recognizing and understanding this pattern, I was able to catch these tendencies more quickly, tune into the intentions behind them, and this gave me the chance to choose responses that aligned better with my core values and how I truly wanted to connect with others.
While the ‘why’ often lies in our past, the solution lies in the present. If you’re looking to break cycles of behaviour or navigate triggers more healthily, consider these steps:
Notice the pattern, without judgement: Recognize when the pattern emerges.
Regulate your nervous system: This can help you approach the situation with more calmness and clarity.
Get compassionately curious: Explore how this pattern may be protecting you, perhaps through journaling or discussing it with someone.
Forgive yourself: Understand this pattern served a purpose to protect you.
Notice resistance: Letting go of familiar patterns can feel threatening; it’s normal to feel resistance.
Practise mindfulness and rewrite your narratives: Engage in mindfulness practices that help you see beyond old narratives.
Choose intentional actions: Align your actions with your core values, continually asking whether they bring you closer to the person you want to be.
As Bessel A. van der Kolk beautifully says, “It takes enormous trust and courage to allow yourself to remember.” Embracing our past isn’t about dredging up or dwelling on old memories; it’s about making peace with them and using the insights gained to enrich our present and future. Remember, this journey requires self-compassion, patience, and an understanding that transformation is a process. If you’re seeking support along this path, I’m here to help. Let’s explore your story together.
With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina
