Embracing the Good Fight – Strategies for Constructive Conflict
Hello Friends!
Thank you for joining me in this space. Let’s dive right in! In our previous exploration of transforming disagreements into dialogue, we considered ways to navigate differences of opinion. But what about those heated moments when we find ourselves in a fight with someone we care about? Conflict is inevitable in our close relationships, and how we handle it will inevitably influence how we feel about our relationships. So what are some tools and guidelines we can consider to keep conflict from going off the rails?
It’s crucial to remember that during a fight, we often enter survival mode. When feeling threatened, the rational part of our brain takes a backseat, and our reactive survival instincts kick in. Achieving a constructive outcome requires creating safety during arguments to prevent slipping into that survival mode.
Here are some of my favourite rules of engagement:
Remember, you are a team: Rather than viewing it as you against them, approach the conflict as the two of you tackling the problem together.
Avoid criticism: Criticizing your partner is a quick road to defensiveness and undermines relationship safety. Instead, work on expressing yourself by sharing your feelings and needs.
Don’t fight in public: Do your best to address problems in private, calm settings to avoid unnecessary embarrassment, maintain privacy, and ensure both parties feel heard and respected. For instance, I recall a time when a partner made a sarcastic comment in front of friends about upcoming plans. I felt hurt and defensive, and was tempted to question him about the comment in that moment. Waiting until we were alone allowed us to discuss the issue calmly and avoid escalating the situation.
No fighting in cars: The driver’s attention will inherently be divided, which can lead to more misunderstandings, and increased stress; we want to try to minimize distractions.
Face-to-face is best: If a problem occurs while texting, do your best to continue the conversation in person where body language, eye contact and vocal cues can help deepen understanding. If that’s not possible, try a phone call - yes, a good old-fashioned phone call!
Stick to one topic at a time: While it’s tempting to defend ourselves by bringing up past incidents, it further clouds the current situation, making it harder to understand one another.
Take care of one another’s feelings: Rather than focusing on facts, which everyone will have a different perspective and memory of, prioritize empathy, hold space for one another’s feelings, and avoid character assassination.
Take care of your nervous system: Breathe. Do your best to keep yourself grounded to avoid defensive reactions, and take breaks when needed.
Avoid relationship threats: No matter how tempting it may be, do your best not to threaten to end the relationship during an argument as it undermines any sense of safety and trust. That conversation can be had later, in a calmer setting.
Learning to implement these tips promptly and consistently increases the likelihood of creating safety and initiating a repair process. Instead of aiming to “win” the fight, remember that if one of you win, both people lose because the relationship suffers. Research by John Gottman suggests that most fights are unsolvable, highlighting the importance of managing conflicts rather than solving them. It is the most important skill to learn if we want to nurture healthy, long-lasting relationships.
Since we’re going to fight, let’s learn to fight well. If you’d like additional help and support in shifting the conflict patterns in your relationship, know that I’ve been through it, and I’m here to help.
With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina
Please remember, this post is not about enduring abuse. If you’re facing abuse, whether physical, mental or emotional, this isn’t the path to follow. Prioritize your well-being, seek help, and remember that your safety comes first.
