Embracing Vulnerability: The Door to Authentic Connection
Welcome back! I’m happy to have you with me today.
I was feeling upset the other day and even once I slowed down to regulate my nervous system and understand where it was coming from, expressing my feelings to the person who triggered the feelings was a struggle. I felt a tightness in my throat, almost as if my voice was caught. And it had me thinking…
Why can it feel so hard to ask for what we really want? To tell someone how we’re feeling? Why does vulnerability feel so scary?
Have you ever noticed that when broaching something that feels vulnerable, we often talk around it? Maybe a friend, family member or partner has been really busy, and instead of saying, “Work has been very demanding for you lately. I know you’re doing your best to balance everything. At the same time, I’ve been missing you and I would really love us to go to Jane’s party next week,” it comes out as “All you do is work. You never make time for me.”
Let me ask you, which of these approaches would you be more receptive to? While I may feel a bit defensive with the first one, hearing a loved one convey the facts of a situation without attacking my character, and sharing their feelings and desires would certainly help me feel more open to listening to their perspective. In the second scenario, sweeping statements like “always” or “never” would immediately put me on the defensive, prompting me to correct the statements rather than get curious about their feelings. Imagine how defensive someone might feel if we added a “you’re so selfish” comment to boot! Instead of an open and vulnerable conversation, what often happens is emotions get buried under escalating defenses, criticisms and blame.
Anger, resentment and frustration are often feelings that feel safer to express than sadness and loneliness - they can feel more powerful and may offer a momentary sense of control.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling anger, resentment and frustration. These are all valid emotions that we need to allow ourselves to experience. What we need to be mindful of however, is what we do with these feelings. Do we project them onto others through criticism and blame, or do we explore them as the messengers they are to understand the needs that lie underneath. It’s about cultivating a mutual understanding and respect for one another’s vulnerabilities.
Our feelings are our responsibility. That doesn’t mean that we keep them to ourselves…in fact, to nurture our relationships we need to practise sharing them. But it does means we need to own them. We feel a certain way because of the story we’ve attached to a situation. For instance, in the scenario above, perhaps the person with the busy work schedule is trying to save up for a joint goal. Maybe not…but if we assume that we aren’t a priority to that person and they don’t care about us, and we react based on that story, is that fair? And do we get any closer to having our needs met? What if instead, we could own our emotions, explain to the other person the narrative we’ve constructed, what we’re feeling, and what we need?
I know, I know…it can feel entirely unnatural to speak this way to one another. But that’s because very few of us have been modeled this kind of healthy communication. We’ve grown up expecting others to somehow know why we’re upset, assuming it’s obvious, and often assuming the worst intentions. So it takes practise…and grace when we don’t get it right (on both sides of the conversation). But the rewards are priceless. Having the mindfulness to explore our needs and emotions and the courage to communicate them in a vulnerable and respectful way brings us closer and closer to living our authentic lives.
Let’s create that safe space together to get you started! You’ve got this!
With heartfelt gratitude,
Christina
